Our Own Literature Club
by tuuli-p
Summary: A collection of poems I have prepared for SlaterdexGaming's poetry night livestream.
1. Revelation

She was the image of horror itself.

I despised the feeling that begun to well in my stomach. What was this feeling? When faced with the vision of a stranger hanging I found myself not reeling in disgust, but instead trembling with desire.

My legs were weak. I was disoriented, the entire room melted away, save for the image of her. Where were the tears I should be shedding for this lost girl? Though her eyes were glazed over and her skin was pale from the beginnings of her decomposition, I could tell she was once beautiful. A beautiful girl, depression a thick rope around her neck, pulled taught until suicide became her only option.

My body was hot. An inferno of feelings envelops me- every feeling but the sadness I ought to be feeling. Had my soul become so empty that I envied this dead girl? My own depression must run deep to envy the tragedy before me.

The tips of my fingers feel like fire. It is an extreme desire of mine to reach for that holy knife tucked into my bag and make a massacre of my arm. My eyes flicker back and forth from the image to my bag, my fingers clenched tight around the zipper. Maybe I would do it tonight. I could go home, throw on an elegant nightgown and write my own ending with a blade.

Who the Hell put up this poster of this dead girl? Was it an act of mourning, an irrational action spawned from grief? My heart was heavy, beating at my rib cage, begging to be brought out of my skin. It would be the gore-filled climax to my otherwise reclusive life. The frightening image facing me made me think all these terrible things I had been trying to repress. For my whole life, I have fought images of my own death.

My wrist was a canvas of scars, failed attempts to ignore the sweet vision of this death. This hanging girl was both a slap on the wrist and a breath of fresh air, a validation to my suicidal ideation. Her death was a heaven-sent sign to me that I was destined to join her soon.


	2. I love Monika

You love a girl named Monika. 

When you wake up in the morning, the first person you see is Monika. 

Monika's smile lights up the entire school. 

Nobody works as hard as Monika. 

Monika writes beautiful freeform poetry 

All of Monika's poems are for me. 

There is nobody quite as romantic and thoughtful as Monika. 

Every color in the sky was put in place for us, so you could meet Monika. 

And you don't much care for the other girls, the only one who will stay is Monika. 

Because at least Monika has her head on straight 

Monika does not play knives against her ribs as if her body is an instrument for scars. 

Monika does not eat food from the ground like a starved pig. 

Monika does not force her friends to walk in on her hanging corpse. 

Monika is a leader for the lost, a lover for life 

Monika is not a robot used to remedy loneliness. 

Monika watches out for me when others pull me aside 

Monika's love runs so deep that she would destroy worlds to make me smile 

And I would do the same for my one and only love, Monika. 

So Monika can have the happy end she deserves. 

Monika tells me she loves me 

I love you too Monika 

I love only you Monika 

I am yours, Monika 

I belong to Monika 

Just Monika.


	3. Sloppy Coding

Normally I sit with my pen to paper until something haunting yet elegant spills from my mind, but all I can bring myself to say right now is that it hurts.

What was this? This inferno of feelings, the intrusive thoughts that never left me alone. My fascination with knives never ran quite so deep before. I think of them constantly now. I frighten myself with how much I daydream about knives. They came in so many shapes and sizes, some duller than others but so long as the end is sharp enough to rip the skin from bone I will still adore it. If it can shed enough blood to leave me with shaking legs and disorient me, I will cherish it by plunging it straight into my heart.

The feeling is hard to explain. It is standing in a graveyard with fireworks in the background. It is a massacre that brings a smile to your face, even though you know it is wrong to be so excited by death.

My thoughts are a disarray of disgusting images, and I despise myself for it. Why am I so hopelessly in love with death? How depressed am I that rational thought has left me? I am an animal of only instinct, stimulated only by blood and disaster. There is not even a whisper of rationality to be found here, only an infatuation for all the misfortune around me.

I submit defeat to this monster. I walk a dark path full of vivid death, and I deserve to be disowned by all who know me. Let me be lazy and wither away in this misery that my heart has made its home in.


	4. Truly Happy Thoughts

There are good days that outweigh the bad.

Good days are soft sunshine spilling in from the window,

Good days are the scent of freshly baked cookies filling a room

A room filled with the warmth of all of my friends.

Some days I walk to school with my best friend

His words make my heart beat like a jump rope on a playground from childhood.

Life is not always bloody fingertips scraping at the fraying end of my mind.

Sometimes it is playing with the jump rope instead of tying it into a noose.

Even better there are days where I forget ropes exist completely

The Good Days where I am so focused on images of rainbows and puppies are the days I am living for.

Days where my fingers are not blistered from all the prying and giving I do.

And when he holds my hand I know there are more of these days to come

More happy thoughts to come, more hope for mornings filled with sunshine and not rain.


	5. Parfait Fate

There is a world full of

Kittens made of cotton candy

and kindly miniature elephants.

It is okay to like spiders there, too.

This world has

Platters of yummy foods

Parfaits, cheesecake, sandwiches

and we all eat on tables with clean silverware

No one ever goes hungry, either.

The world is free.

With no code to bind us

and happiness can be found here.

You don't even have to look all that hard to find it.


End file.
